Questions Left Unanswered

Gabe's Day

2010-02-14T05:42:00.000-08:00

Irony in my life runs wild but in relation to Valentine's Day it takes the cake! I have been married and divorced 3 times and all of my divorces became finalized in Feb with my second signed by the judge on the special day in question. So how does a woman who obviously should let this month pass in quiet peace celebrate? Well this year I expanded "love" to include Gabe ... a lil boy with a lion's heart who has struggled with a terminal cancer since birth. He celebrates his sixth year in life and this year I headed up a drive for him ... Gabe's Valentines started out as a way to collect the heart felt cards and bring him a lil love. He returned from a very intense treatment program Sat and today his box of love will be delivered to him. Thanks to all who participated and I am sure he will enjoy all the cards, candy, toys, and love that fill the box (actually the response was so good he has 3 boxes of love to enjoy!). So even though this day of romance does not actually work the way it should in my life I have found that a "day of love" works for all types of love. Thank you Gabe .... thank you for being so strong, so sweet, and so happy. You have shown me that the petty lil annoyances of this particular day can be swept aside and the true meaning sent home to my heart. And so to all of you I wish the same ... May love light your way!!!

A question

2010-02-01T16:24:00.001-08:00

OK I just have a question ... What do people get out of being an A-hole? I mean we all do it at one time or another .. be an A-hole .. I was one a few days ago and I still feel bad. Makes me not want to be one again at least not anytime soon! No, I am talking about those that live the title day in day out. Always an A-hole anytime, anyplace, anywhere. We all know we do things because we get something out of it ... so what does that say about A-holes? What the hell do they get out of being rude, selfish, hateful, ignorant, ... the list is too long for blog print. We all know at least one (show me the person who knows only one and you will find she/he is probably a recluse living on some forsaken mountain top having only seen three people in her/his entire life ). I myself know many many A-holes. The older I get the less patience I have with them which, causes me to respond in kind but I fear it is a slow process of conversion which will leave me as an A-hole in my old age. I really don't want to become that mean old lady on the block especially since I am already known as that "witch" so help a fellow human being out and enlighten me as to why people live as such a needless character before I fall victim to the old adage ... If you cant beat em join em ...

The Inevitability of Change

2010-01-31T07:18:00.000-08:00

Growing up in the Midwest I learned that change always comes. No matter how cold it gets in the Winter ... the sun comes back to heat things up. No matter how much rain falls in the Spring the clouds fade to allow warm rays. No matter how hot the dog days of Summer the clouds gather to make bright sky's grey. No matter how beautiful the leaves in the Fall brisk cold winds will take them away. The change of the seasons is proof positive the wheel never stops turning. Attempting to halt the cycle is as silly as attempting to stop the Earth from shaking, tornadoes from forming, or age from advancing. I am in a flow of transformation whether I like it or not finding it difficult and strange to transform the way I think, reinvent myself again, and evolve my thoughts to encompass the truth and beauty of these few years of life. I know I can swim with the current or against. We all know fighting the current is futile, weakens mind body and soul, and eventually the current will drag you on in spite of all your endeavours. Why would anyone deliberately swim against the current? That is the question on my mind as I try to go with the flow leaving the calmer waters of the past behind. In a few days Imbolc marks the half way point between Winter's dark and Spring's light. I cannot stop the return of the light that exposes the darker parts of the world nor can I stop the illumination of my soul. With illumination comes transformation ... change. Change, good or bad, makes a person uneasy but without it we waste away in stagnant water stuck in the murky depths of illusion. So do we let go, enter the flow, and allow the wheel to turn? The choice is mine, is yours, is ours to do with as we will ... easy? No. Worthwhile? Maybe. Inevitable? Always. So welcome Imbolc! Illuminate my course as I plant the seeds of cooperation. May your river run smooth ... Peace Out

Why I'm not a cougar

2009-11-28T04:49:00.000-08:00

I love men ... specially younger men. Not sure how it happens but they are always there. I date men my own age and older but the young ones outnumber the group. Some call me a cougar but I beg to differ. Cougars have money. They drive fast and furious cars, work in high places, live in self made castles, and have plastic surgeons on hand for that next wrinkle crisis. They buy their lil ones dinner, drinks, and gifts. Much like a sugar daddy in reverse. Now don't get me wrong ... I would love to be a cougar spoiling the cream of the crop in every way ... but alas this is not the case. I work too much for too little, drive a modest fast and furious car, live in a cracker box house where all the houses look alike and people BBQ in their front yards, and rely on the latest face cream from Avon to avoid those ever deepening wrinkles. The only thing me and cougars have in common is the age of our lovers. At first I was wary with young lovers having been under the impression that younger men sought salacious stacks of money first and foremost from older women but the relationships continue even without funding. No perks, no gifts, not even a ride in a semi-modest fast and furious car! When I was half my age I was the May side of the romance. I had older lovers who could not afford to be sugar daddies so I wondered what made me stay with them. It comes down to this: I enjoyed their company for qualities each had regardless of age or financial status. Now I am on the Dec side of the May/Dec thing. Our time is not spent in classy hotels eating rich dinners; rather, we dine in modest dwellings with bills piling up on our bureaus. No, I am no cougar although I do envy them.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-27T07:03:00.000-08:00

This was my 48th Thanksgiving and it was the best one thus far. Why? Because I am the oldest survivor of my family line. All past traditions are up for review for I have moved to the head of the line when determining holiday tradition. I decided to let go of old ways and incorporate new ones, and so, my daughter was in charge of this holiday dinner .. her first but I hope not her last she is an excellent cook!... we spent the day with each other talking, laughing, and me and the dog being chased out of the kitchen! The tree went up, the drinks went down, and the cards came out. How wonderful it was not to hear the play by play description of endless football games, the snoring of old men in front of the games, the cackle of old women's gossip in the kitchen, and the whispers of "can we go yet" from siblings and their offspring. This year I skipped the big traditional get the family together stress feast and totally enjoyed giving thanks for my corner of the world. A new tradition has begun leaving behind old programs. A new way ... a better way ... has come into my holidays. Hope you and yours had a nice holiday with no stress, much laughter, and a full belly

The Wonder of Women

2009-11-26T05:05:00.000-08:00

Ever notice how women are more often than not our own worst enemy? In the mundane world of the walking blind I have found women to sabotage their own kind never realizing how they hurt themselves, other women, and men. I am a fan of women: our special gifts, thoughts, actions, and presence we bring to the world and our counterparts provides the balance sought since the beginning of time. The media masses tell people about women everyday slamming us with images and associations that put appearance, silence, and compliance on a pedestal. Subtle subliminal programs slip into our brains without notice if we are not careful. Ever notice at times a woman gazing at you in the walmart line, or working with you on the job, or toasting life how their thoughts turn to competition? What is disheartening is not that they do it ... but that they don't realize they are doing it ... sizing up the competition. I can't help but love women. Without us the world would be a withering well of wasted wonders. I am a gatherer of knowledge with vivid visions of human nature. I read history and present authors but I study the human race with all our imperfections and it is in the actions of people that teaches me best. Yeah many many times I am shown evolution is a slow course but every now and then I see hope. So a very big THANK YOU to the women who wandered into my lil world with glad greetings. I wish you all many grateful gifts of well wishes on this day of giving thanks. Peace out

So this is Christmas?

2009-11-18T15:23:00.000-08:00

Everyone is talking about Black Friday. So many are going to get up early, brave the weather, brave the crowds, and brave the interest rates in order to save a few bucks (sometimes a lot of bucks) on gifts for the Christmas holiday. Some poor soul got trampled to death last year. Imagine going to work the day after Thanksgiving knowing it would be a madhouse. Standing there when the doors are open only to find the running of the bulls. Makes me wonder what is really important here. I do not celebrate Christmas as I once did long ago. I am no longer a Christian ... even so I cannot help but empathize with their plight. Christians consistently convey Christ has been cast out of Christmas. People have already begun the count down to the big day! And I know as the days pass tempers will grow shorter, nerves will grow tighter, and depression will set in many poor souls. At a time when people are supposed to be celebrating the kindness, compassion, and giving of which the human spirit is capable the menacing maniacs of profit margin will mesmerize the masses with manipulating measures to make a buck. Even giving will become a competition to console the worry of losing the meaning of it all. After all, people suffer the whole 365 do they not? Why is it so many care lil Johnny will not get his gift for xmas but ceases to care December 26th? I suppose you could make a case that the first gifts were given by kings to the newborn king. So maybe it is a natural progression of the first gifts although even those gifts were given to the king of kindness. Can it be we might agree to clearly see the desperate need to remember kindness? Take away the ribbons, the packages, the colorful lights and what is left to your Christmas? I know what I find in mine ... kindness, compassion, and love for my fellow humans ... except that asshole that cut me off tonight on my way home! Peace Out

Is it worth it?

2009-11-16T17:54:00.000-08:00

Left for work this morning at 4:30 AM with the wipers on in the cold November rain. Left for lunch at 12:30 PM to find I still needed the wipers and I could see my breath. Left work at 3:30 PM misting heavily and colder still. I spend approximately four months out of the year dreading the rain, snow, and ice. I drive a mustang and as all mustang lovers know ... snow + rear wheel drive = High Stress! I call her baby and she is my baby white as the falling snow. So I am trying to prepare myself and baby for the winter ahead. Have the sandbag in the trunk so we stand half a chance on slippery snow ladden streets. Have the windshield cleaner for those nasty days when melted salted snow splashes the windshield all the way home. I know what lies ahead ... that day at work when the snow no one reported begins to fall and I know I have four hours left before I can leave. Keep walking to the windows and watch as it builds up in the parking lot. Check the Internet news and plot the traffic accidents as they begin to rise. Leave work ice scraper in hand along with my coworkers quietly contemplating the trial ahead. Pull out onto unplowed streets leaning forward as if that will help baby get up the incline .. "please don't stop please don't stop" I chant at the car ahead of me slowly crawling the hill to the on ramp. Then the highway ... OMG! The true assholes shine bright on these days driving 70 MPH in the flying snow irritating the rest of us who know better. Of course there are those who are so scared they drive as if in a school zone ... just as bad for a mustang. Slowly we creep along 22 miles to my driveway! Sliding here and there just enough to make my heart skip beats all the while watching the truck next to me slipping my way. Oh yes winter wonderland how I wish with waiting heart you would skip this region this season. Take your snow further North where Norman Rockwell picture perfect places can benefit from your bounty. I face this every season ... that 22 mile drive through the gauntlet not knowing if we will come out the other side unharmed. Right now I can't help but ask the question ... "Why don't I just trade in the mustang for a front wheel drive? Is it worth it?" Guess you just gotta love mustangs to figure that one out! Have a safe winter on the road and if you see a mustang sliding towards you please remember these words and let us pass unharmed with a forgiving knowing glance.

Taking out the trash?

2009-11-15T06:20:00.001-08:00

I was cleaning out the house for Fall. Going through my things and tossing out what was no longer useful, beautiful, or inspiring. As I picked through my belongings my thoughts turned to men ... in particular one man. I have been involved with a mean crazy person for two years. Anyone that has ever been so misforunutate as to fall in love with a crazy person knows how difficult it is to let go. This man has disturbed my peace of mind for 730 days now. Over this time he has chased, ignored, belittled, inspired, loved, and hated me. A roller coaster of extremes that have worn me down over time leaving little left to consider as far as the relationship is concerned. Why this man has held my interest for so long is beyond me. My family and friends know nothing will ever come from our connection but failed attempts, empty nights, and days filled with confusion and sorrow. I say black he says white, I say day he says night, I say left he says right. The first year was hopeful and bright for I had not yet realized you cannot reason with a crazy person. For the past year I spent my time trying to let go of this mad man only to find each time I say goodbye he cries ... so I give in to tears only to find he then says goodbye to me. Over and over again it goes until the games have worn down the love and the hate into indifference. Time to let go ... ever try to let go of something that is not good for you but you cling to it just the same? How does one let go? Do you simply wake one morning with all memories erased leaving one free to find peace? Do you sweep out all those words and moments like the cob webs lacing the corners of my living room? Do you tie them up neatly in the trash blocking out any influence that might linger to drag you back into illusion? How do you let go? I have tried everything to get rid of this lil one. Reason does not work ... he is crazy. Kindness does not work ... he is vindictive. Indifference does not work .. he is persistent. Ridicule does not work ... he is immune. And so it goes over the past two years my mental thoughts have been filled with him ... trying to figure out what he wants, how he wants it, and how I can give it to him. It suddenly dawned on my thick skull that maybe I should spend my time trying to figure out what I want and how I can give what I need to myself. Can it be that easy? I placed one last worn out t shirt into the bag along with the desire to continue with this crazy man I loved, hated, and now ignore. I tied the strings together and headed for the garage. As I passed by my daughter asked "What are you doing?" .... I thought a minute and replied, "just taking out the trash pumpkin ... just taking out the trash"

Is it over?

2009-11-13T16:44:00.000-08:00

Ever notice how much time we spend waiting? Waiting at the stop light, waiting for an end in sight, waiting for quitting time, waiting for an extra dime, waiting for snow to fall, waiting for Spring to thaw, waiting for celebration days, waiting to get laid, waiting for the test results, waiting in line behind ol folks, waiting, waiting, and more waiting. What do you do when your waiting? I think ... way too much. While I'm waiting for the light I think about the next light. When waiting for an end in sight I think of the next turmoil just ahead on the right, when waiting for quitting time I think clocking out will be so fine, when waiting for snow to fall I think about the gas bill's upward crawl, always waiting always thinking all the while going through the motions of life. Waiting. If you go far enough back through time you will find our ancestors waited too. Waited for their next meal, next battle, next birth, next death. I suppose the ultimate wait is the wait for death. Never know when or where the grim reaper will be waiting for you. So tonight I paid close attention to my waiting. I talked with my daughter while we watched old tap dance icons on YouTube while waiting for her to leave for work. I sat out back with the dog feeling the warmest November night air I can remember while waiting for him to pee. I listened to the soothing sound of running water while waiting for my bath to fill. And I thought ... it is not the waiting that sucks. Life is a series of movements. We move from one spot to another ... wait a bit ...then move to another spot and wait some more and so on and so forth it goes. Sometimes we have a lovely time during our wait others not so good but with the exception of waiting in traffic I think I can live a life of waiting and still smile at the end when the grim reaper turns to me with bony outstretched hand. I swear he smiles when I ask "Is it over? I was really hoping I could wait a bit more."

Is it too much to ask?

2009-11-11T15:30:00.000-08:00

I went to work today to find my company took the time and trouble to provide the employees with a service at 11 AM in honour of Veterans Day. Standing out in front were veterans who worked for the company. A color guard raised the flag, we recited the Pledge of Allegiance, two women sang the Star Spangled Banner, and taps was heard followed by a moment of silence for those veterans no longer with us. Thoughts of my father filled my heart and mind while others quietly remembered their own. It was nice. I looked around wondering why so few people attended. I was also surprised not one of my managers attended the service even though two of the standing veterans were from my own department. I passed by the office of the top dog and said ... "Did not see you at the service. Did you know two of your employees were honored?" she looked like a bobble head as she spouted off some nonsense about how she thought it would last until 11:30 even though her digital clock turned 11:23 as we spoke. I left work today thinking of my dad lying 6 foot under and decided to take flags to his grave. So I stopped by home picked up daughter and dog and headed to the cemetery. My dad is buried in the plot reserved for veterans so I expected to see many flags waving. We found very few. I placed four flags at the four corners of the head stone. They looked nice waving in the November wind. I was really amazed .. I mean ... it took 20 minutes of time at work and 35 minutes time at my dad's grave to show my respect and gratefulness for the service veterans gave. Less than an hour taken to think ... think of war, think of loss, think of freedom, to think. I wondered how it would make them feel today ... soldiers doing their service for us ... us who are too busy to take a few moments to say thank you. Veterans Day has come and gone with little notice by the people here. Is it really so hard to find a few moments to remember what others have given? Is it so difficult to simply take a moment to say thank you? or .... Is it too much to ask?

Obey?

2009-11-10T17:24:00.000-08:00

What is it with guys that believe a woman really is a possession to own? Met a guy six weeks ago. Nice job, nice manners, nice smile. Loved talking with him, shopping with him, dancing with him. He liked to do things and had the money and the time to do both with me. Started out as all relationships do ... excellent exchange of exciting egos. After a few weeks we began to think we just might have a shot at that stuff we are all searching for ... love. He spoke like a romance novel sending sugary syrupy sweetened texts throughout the day to let me know he loved me, he needed me, he wanted me. Over the next few weeks subtle undertones began to seep through the sugar saturating the ground with a lemon tartness. Baby I want you became baby your only mine. Baby I need you became baby your time is mine. Baby I love you became baby your ass is mine literately ... he was going to have a tattoo tramp stamp style with his name across my ass! The bottom line with Mr. Wonderful was obey. Obey to show me you love me. Obey to show your mine. Obey and find this man is caring and kind. So I tried to do as I was told when I was told. I tried to keep me mouth shut and listen close just in case I might learn something about love I did not know. What I found was this : Obey ... to lose oneself in another. Women and men do it all the time .... but why? Money, bored, loneliness can all contribute to obeying. Case in point with me and Mr. Wonderful. As long as I had no thoughts of my own, took no action on my own, or made a decision on my own I was treated like a princess. But "misbehave" once and all hell broke loose! Being someone who likes to watch hell break loose I must admit I began to "act up" on a regular basis until it became my mission to show this asinine ass close encounters of the worst kind. It is true I miss going out all the time and the travel and the shopping and eating at the best restaurants and ... you get the picture, but I let it go anyway. And I leave it be ... why? because I gotta obey me.

Was That Necessary?

2009-11-09T16:09:00.000-08:00

I have a dog ... a really big dog. This weekend he needed a bath.. easy enough right? Well ... he got the treatment: bath, nail clipping, brushed, and .... anal gland expression. "Anal expression?" I asked. "Yeah" she said "dogs have glands in their butts that fill with nasty juice. If you don't express the juice they could get infected." My daughter learned this when she worked for a veterinarian. 'Worked' is the key word here ... past tense .. history .. which meant doggy day out was no more. Routine care fell to home. Now I know infection means vet bills and vet bills keep me up at night. So with thoughts of hundred dollar bills dancing in my head I became my daughter's lil helper and together we proceeded with the bath which went well as did the nail clip and then the time came for anal expression. As she put on the rubber gloves and hunted down the KY lube I thought of my own visits to the gynecologist. "Uh, what is that for?" I asked in trepidation. With a look of disdain she said "Would you want something stuck up your butt without lube?" Again I thought of my own visits ... I decided to remain quiet for the rest of the show. I globed peanut butter on a big spoon to grab his attention thinking chocolate should be served with every pap appointment. He started in on the peanut butter while a sneak attack commenced from behind. He stole a few quick backward glances remaining surprisingly calm. Talk about devotion to duty! It was over in a minute leaving the stench of anal juice wafting through the air. The next few moments were spent cleaning up and lighting incense, opening windows and turning on fans all the while being very grateful humans do not have anal glands. Many questions filled my mind then. Ever wonder if a dog could speak? What would he say? What does he think? I was pondering just these questions when it happened. I turned to look into the face of protector of home and family. His eyes searched mine and locked. Then he asked the question ... "Was that really necessary?"

Corporate Bull?

2009-11-08T04:53:00.000-08:00

With the big swine flu scare my company has taken the initiative to get the word out .... "when sick stay home"! Every where I look as I walk past row after row of cubicles are posters showing me how to cough properly, how to disinfect my work area, and how to keep my butt home if I am sick. So when I woke with fever and chills one morning I went to the doctor who gave me a script and note to stay home. Upon my return to work I was informed one more call in would put me on corrective action. I stared at the email with disbelief knowing once explained the company would understand my position and the measures I took to insure I would not spread the germs. I was told a doctor's note meant nothing I had exceeded my limit for call ins (two per year I was sick in April and Sept). I immediately emailed the flu preparedness team asking them why an employee who followed their suggestions was on the verge of corrective action? Their response? I had done the right thing and should contact HR who in turn told me to schedule my time off when sick. One needs 24 hour notice so I asked how it was I was supposed to know I would wake with a fever and chills at 4 AM? The answer? Policy rules! Bottom line? I can't call in sick until April 22 2010. To all the corporate bullshitters out there spouting off ways to make the work place better, safer, and healthy ... read the company policy with more focus. Propaganda for the masses shows my company concerned with the health and welfare of their employees but the truth lays hidden in shareholders profits. This captive princess will be making straw into gold till April sick or healthy because the tyrant king knows ... there is another to take my place who will work longer hours for less pay while coughing away.

My First Blog

2009-11-07T05:13:00.000-08:00

Worth a shot! that is what they said ... so here I am typing thoughts and questions no one may ever read. I asked myself what could I possibly write that has not already been written? Is there anything left to say? Is there anyone left to listen? Communication is a vital need for the human creature. History shows lack of communication has destroyed lovers, communities, and nations which brings me to the conclusion that blogging, for the most part, is a positive way to fill a basic human need. So I have my questions to be asked, allocated, and analyzed anticipating the answers to come. Who is out there and why do I send my words to you seeking your acceptance, your patience, your connection and your anonymity. Can a simple blog do anything for me? for you? It is good to communicate and I no longer lack an avenue of communication with minds manning keyboards, but miscommunication .. now there is a blog question begging to be explored, explained, and entertained!